Texts From Last Night
by TenshiXXX
Summary: Because the Hetalia cast is incapable of having a night out without embarrassing themselves and leaving evidence of their collective shame. Featuring Spamano, FrUK, PruCan, RusAm, AusHun, et al.


**I'm sure we're all familiar with the website "Texts From Last Night", but, just in case, I'll explain. Basically, it's a collection of hilarious texts sent during a night out displayed for the amusement of people who have nothing better to do with their evenings. This, of course, includes me.**

**Essentially, this is the Hetalia cast waking up to texts about their exploits the previous night. Yes, it really is as bad as it sounds. Please enjoy! :3**

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><p><strong>Gilbert Beilschmidt<strong>

_You have 13 new messages_

_To: Gilbert Beilschmidt  
>From: Francis <em>

Just in case you were wondering why your cheek is swollen...you literally had no idea who Antoine was until you made him turn around. Upon seeing his ass, you yelled his full name...which you can't normally even remember while sober. He let you off until you said that his thighs also gave his identity away. Then, he punched you and started crying. I'm impressed by your stupidity, mon ami ;)

...

_To: Gilbert Beilschmidt  
>From: Erzsebet Báthory<em>

Woke up and there was a crate of fireworks, a legion of rubber ducks and a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?

...

_To: Gilbert Beilschmidt  
>From: Lovino Vargas<em>

The next time you try to motorboat antonio's ass, i'm shooting you in the knees. You've been warned.

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_To: Gilbert Beilschmidt; Ivan the Terrible; Alfred; Tino; Lovino Vargas; Trigger Happy;  
>From: Westen<em>

NEW RULE: No inappropriate choices that involve guns. I like that. Write it down. Maybe I should make a rule about Antonio's ass as well.

...

_To: Gilbert Beilschmidt; Ivan the Terrible; Alfred; Tino; Lovino Vargas; Trigger Happy;  
>From: Westen<em>

In my previous message, my intention was to write the word "axe". However, my phone automatically corrected it. My apologies.

...

_To: Gilbert Beilschmidt  
>From: Mattie 3<em>

Gil, just so you know...last night, you told me to put beer in our pancakes, and they tasted delicious...but we threw up like five seconds later and your brother is probably out for your blood already. Yeah, I am texting you from right next to you...mainly because my head and ass are hurting to much for me to try to speak right now. Maple, what did you do to me? Fuck me with a firecracker?

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_To: Gilbert Beilschmidt  
>From: Artie<br>_  
>Woke up this morning with The Frog in my bed and a sore arse. Now Uni won't talk to me. I hate you. You are a fucking tit.<p>

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_To: Gilbert Beilschmidt  
>From: Alfred<em>

DUDE I HEARD U FUCKING MY BRO IN MY GUEST ROOM! THATS JUST NASTY! ITS LYK FINDING OUT MY SISTER FUCKED HER TEACHER OR SUMTHIN!

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_To: Gilbert Beilschmidt  
>From: Den<em>

U sent me 8 pictures of urs and matts dicks rapped in pancakes. i think nik actually laughed.

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_To: Gilbert Beilschmidt  
>From: Heracles<em>

I'm not sure how, but you taught my cat to use the fire alarm. I don't know whether to be impressed or annoyed, because, although she just set the sprinklers off when my toast started to burn and ruined my appliances, I got to see Kiku in wet clothes.

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_To: Gilbert Beilschmidt; Francis; Tonio~  
>From: Four Eyes<em>

You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals. Actually, that's unfair. Antonio is mostly innocent.

...

_To: Gilbert Beilschmidt  
>From: Tonio~<em>

i dont no how it happened but my butt is sore and Lovis isnt. does it always hurt to bad the first time? ;_; btw i forgive u 4 what u did :) + Lovi has a rlly big pene so now i feel...small :(

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><p><strong>Francis Bonnefoy<strong>

_You have 9 new messages  
><em>

_To: Francis Bonnefoy  
>From: Mathieu<em>

Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested.

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_To: Francis Bonnefoy  
>From: Gilbert Beilschmidt<em>

U were speaking french the whole night until the cops came. Nobody could understand u except tonio. and i broke my kegstand record!

...  
><em><br>To: Francis Bonnefoy  
>From: Lars van Rijn<br>_  
>Do you ever think that no deep thought could ever take place in the Spanish language, and all they think about is tomatoes, paella and sleeping? Or maybe I'm just too high to make sense and Antonio isn't representative of all of Spain?<p>

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_To: Francis Bonnefoy  
>From: Lovino<em>

Dont you ever start jerking off in front of us again or i'll rip your dick off. I don't care if it got you laid with eyebrows.

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_To: Francis Bonnefoy  
>From: Mon Petit Lapin<em>

If you ever ever again dust off my crotch with a feather duster and inform me that I need to get laid before cobwebs form, we will never have sex again.

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_To: Francis Bonnefoy  
>From: Feliks<br>_  
>Champagne is totes a vitamin, right?<p>

...

_To: Francis Bonnefoy  
>From: Antoine<em>

there are champagne, roses and condoms in my bathtub so im guessing you were there last night? you were def on the stairs outside cause u and liz were yelling sex positions at me and Lovi. i think we did them all b/c we r covered in cum and my butt hurts :/

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_To: Francis Bonnefoy  
>From: Ivan<em>

O vodka, I could write you a sonnet.

...

_To: Francis Bonnefoy  
>From: Alfred<em>

Plz tell me u didnt have sex w/ artie.

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><p><strong>Antonio Fernandez Carriedo<strong>

_You have 11 new messages_

_To: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo  
>From: Gilly 3<em>

just so u no ur bf has prmised to kill me b/c i tried to motorboat your ass. i just wanted to see if it would work! fyi it did. srsly ur butt is unatural. SORRY for what i did. i'm talking about the motorboating and the stuff about your ass and thighs, btw. and maybe ur psycho bf's monster dick is why ur ass hurts so much? i bet he still cant compare 2 my 5 mtrs :P

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_To: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo  
>From: Franny 3<em>

It's OK. Gil got home alive. Mathieu escorted him...and probably slept with him too. I count it as an accomplishment that we all got laid at the same time. We are an unstoppable drunken force. TTYL. I've got to make sure I get up before Arthur or he'll try to make breakfast.

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_To: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo  
>From: Liz~<em>

I honestly wasn't planning on spying but you were so loud I could hear you from downstairs.

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_To: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo  
>From: Lovi~! 3 3 3<em>

Make sure everyone knows i fucked what remains of ur brains straight out. You're welcome. Dont lie cuz i've got photographic evidence. I dumped enough cum in your ass last night to impregnate the entire population of china. Btw i made american douche change ur name in his phone. You were down as dat ass.

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_To: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo  
>From: Alfred<em>

where dafuq did u get an italian flag g-string and y did u think it was a good idea 2 wear it especially around francis?

...

_To: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo  
>From: Arthur<br>_  
>Remember that time you got so drunk you were convinced that El Dorado was in my pantry, drank all of the tinned tomatoes and puked so badly that it looked like I had murdered somebody in there? Yes, well, you surpassed even that last night. Want the details?<p>

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_To: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo  
>From: Kiku<em>

Antonio-san, I must confess that I have today created a hardcore yaoi manga based on your sexual activities with Lovino-kun last night. I must apologise. Also, would you like a copy?

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_To: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo  
>From: Feli~! 3<em>

Fratello where did you get the italian thong? Luddy wants to get me a german one. Are you still coming for dinner tonight? 3 x x x

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_To: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo  
>From: Roddy~<em>

Here is a life lesson for you, Antonio: when you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins...Well, unless you count sleeping with Lovino as winning. Which you probably do.

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><em><br>To: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo  
>From: The dutch meaniepants :(<em>

I hate you, but you have one hell of an ass. In my stoned state, I thought I should tell you. I'll probably regret this later. You know, when Lovino hunts me down with his tommy gun.

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_To: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo  
>From: Lovi~! 3 3 3<em>

Why the fuck would i leave you for a random chinese girl? Are you fucking stupid? Oh wait. Nvmd. An if you leave me for any1, i;ll kill them painfully.

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><p><strong>Lovino Vargas<strong>

_You have 9 new messages_

To: Lovino Vargas  
>From: Bel<p>

Lovino, there are three guys in the elevator at the hotel, and theyr'e sitting on deck chairs and sipping pina coladas...BUT THEYRE NOT FRANCIS ANTONIO AND GILBERT! this is a first.

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_To: Lovino Vargas  
>From: Kiku<br>_  
>Lovino-kun, if I recall correctly, you said that I have your permission to create a yaoi doujinshi of you and Antonio-san as long as I make you seme. Would you like a copy? I have already received many orders, so I can provide a copy for free if you want one. Please respond soon!<p>

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_To: Lovino Vargas  
>From: Tomato Bastard 3<em>

LOVI~! 3 was i good last night? if i was really bad we can go again and i'll let you tie me up this time if you want. JUST DONT LEAVE ME! and ur not allowed to ignore me yet. i still have your handprint on my butt and i think you left bruises on my hips? i dont care because I LOVE YOU! 3 3 3 3 i'll tell everyone if you want. i dont no why you would want to make everyone in china prgnant tho :/ you can t leave me so we'll have to adopt. if you leave me for a chinese girl i;ll have to hurt her :( btw im making you breakfast and that's why im txting u. i wanted to let you sleep a little longer. hugs + kisses 3 ps. im going to need a week to recover i think :)

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_To: Lovino Vargas  
>From: Mega perv<br>_  
>By managing to have sex with Antonio, you have gone up in my estimations. I don't know how you got him to understand and say yes. I've been trying for nearly as long as I've known what sex is, with no success.<p>

...

_To: Lovino Vargas  
>From: Alfred<em>

DUDE I DONT NO Y BUT I THOUGHT IT WUZ A GUD IDEA 2 PHONE ARTIE AND ASK IF HE WANTED 2 GET A MCDS WHILE I WUZ HAVING SEX AND HE WAS HAVING SEX WITH FRANCIS!

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_To: Lovino Vargas  
>From: Liz<em>

Congrats, Lovino! You and Antonio are possibly the cutest couple ever. And I've got good news. I've figured out how much wine it takes for Roddy to have sex with me on his piano. We left a butt print XD

...  
><em><br>To: Lovino Vargas  
>From: Eyebrows<br>_  
>What's a great wine that goes with denial, anal sex and shame?<p>

...

_To: Lovino Vargas  
>From: Feliks<em>

OK, i have a question, and it's like totally important: why, in a circle of friends which is like 90 composed of gay men, am i STILL always the sassy gay friend? at first i thought its the gucci bag, but you wear gucci all the time, so what gives?

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_To: Lovino Vargas  
>From: Potato2<em>

still cant believe ur response to tonio sitting on your face cause you u were lying on the sofa was "hey these arent my glasses". dude srsly u dont even wear glasses. and how did you survive? dont tell him i said that, btw.

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><p><strong>Matthew Williams<strong>

_You have 7 new messages_

_To: Matthew Williams  
>From: Gil<em>

i cant beleve how chill u r about my drunk attempts 2 motorboat tonio. i knew i made the right choice when i decided 2 date u. a woman would be flipping out right now. ur awesome birdy. o and dont worry about west. hes probably too sore from last nite n e way. thatll teach him 4 letting feli use a riding crop on him XD

...

_To: Matthew Williams  
>From: Francis<br>_  
>Details. Now.<p>

...

_To: Matthew Williams  
>From: Al<em>

DUDE I FLIPPED OUT LAST NITE WHEN THE CONDOM BROKE B4 REALISING DAT MEN CANT GET PREGNANT. THAT DRUNK, BRO. THAT DRUNK. IMAGINE MINI-IVANS RUNNING AROUND BRAINING SMALL ANIMALS WITH MINI FAUCET PIPES WHEIL IVANS ALL "DA DA I AM PROUD MY COMMIE SPAWNS" LOL MADE ME REALISE WHY WE USE EM THO. CUM EVERYWHERE.

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_To: Matthew Williams  
>From: Arthur<em>

No matter what Francis tells you, he is lying. Unless, of course, he says that we didn't sleep together. In which case, he's telling the truth.

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_To: Matthew Williams  
>From: Lars<em>

I know it's tradition, but if I keep sending you tulips on your birthday, will Gilbert get jealous and try to beat me to death with a keg at the next party we both attend? Or will he understand that we're just bros?

_To: Matthew Williams  
>From: Hungary (nts: need to learn to spell her name)<em>

I heard you and Gilbo have a thing going on. Why was I not informed? Ahem, anyway...Deets? I'll get you Bilbo's baby pics in exchange ;) Yes, I do know I've written "Bilbo". My phone autocorrected, and it was so funny that I kept it. And changed his contact name in my phone.

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_To: Matthew Williams  
>From: Marco<em>

Sorry i hit you again last night b/c i thought you were your brother. If its any consolation, gilbert's punch made my face swell to twice its normal size :/ i still cant believe he did a run up w/ a battle cry.

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><p><strong>Ludwig Beilschmidt<strong>

_You have 27 new messages_

-  
><em><br>To: Ludwig Beilschmidt  
>From: Vargas, Feliciano<em>

ludi! 3 i love you more than pasta! last nite was amazing. can we use the riding crop again soon? love you lots and lots like jelly tots 3 Feli

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_To: Ludwig Beilschmidt  
>From: Beilschmidt, Gilbert<em>

roflmao! that is the most epic autocorrect fuck up i have ever seen. u should be proud. im showing this to tonio and francis. im still loling xDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

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_To: Ludwig Beilschmidt  
>From: Braginksy, Ivan<em>

Alfred derived much amusement from your text, as did I. I did wonder about the feasibility of criminalising somebody's bodyparts, but your second text made it all make sense.

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_To: Ludwig Beilschmidt  
>From: Jones, Alfred<em>

ROFLMAOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL DUDE I CANT BREATHE! U MADE MY MORNING!

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_To: Ludwig Beilschmidt  
>From: Väinämöinen, Tino<br>_  
>Gosh, Ludwig, I am so glad that you didn't mean what I thought you meant! I'm not sure how you'd do THAT anyway!<p>

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_To: Ludwig, Beilschmidt  
>From: Vargas, Lovino<em>

Die. my guns, my rules. Also, my ass, my rules. Yeah, its attached to antonio, but its basically mine by his own admission.

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_To: Ludwig Beilschmidt  
>From: Zwingli, Vash<em>

I don't even know what to say. You are a very lucky man. If my sister had read this...

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_To: Ludwig Beilschmidt  
>From: Bonnefoy, Francis<em>

Autocorrect mishap, or Freudian slip? ;)

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_To: Ludwig Beischmidt  
>From: Carriedo, Antonio Fernandez<em>

ahahaha! ludwig, youre so funny! dont worry ive convinced Lovi not to kill you :) i was a little scared at the beginning though. i thought you were going to cut my butt off and i panicked so Lovi had to slap me and gil told me it was a mistake and i told Lovi that he cant hit me anymore because i bottomed and its against the rules. how is feli this morning? :)

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_To: Ludwig Beilschmidt  
>From: Eidelstein, Roderich<br>_  
>You should have checked your text before you sent it. Gilbert will not let you live this down.<p>

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_To: Ludwig Beilschmidt  
>From: Kirkland, Arthur<em>

Francis just forwarded the message to me. I must say, this isn't quite as hilarious as the time you mixed up your presentation and your porn at that conference, but it's still immensely amusing.

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_To: Ludwig Beilschmidt  
>From: Héderváry, Erzsébet<em>

Want me to beat your brother senseless for you? :) Him and Francis have forwarded that message to everyone, in case you didn't know. And it's all over Bilbo's blog.

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_To: Ludwig Beilschmidt  
>From: Køhler, Mathias<br>_  
>it prlly should be made illegal. one day, its gonna cause an accident and i dont mean in some1s pants either- butt that prlly happens like every day n e way. im talking a car crash bc some1s been staring and didnt notice the car in front of them stop or something.

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_To: Ludwig Beilschmidt  
>From: Køhler, Mathias<em>

Nvmd. ignore my other messgae.

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_To: Ludwig Beilschmidt  
>From: Honda, Kiku<em>

Ludwig-san, you made Heracles and I laugh uncontrollably. That is not an easy task to accomplish. As a prize, I would like to offer you a copy of my latest hardcore yaoi doujinshi for free.

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_To: Ludwig Beilschmidt  
>From: Wang, Yao<em>

Westerners are immensely immature, Ludwig. I advise you to ignore them.

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_To: Ludwig Beilschmidt  
>From: Adnan, Sadiq<em>

I may be the oldest nation alive today, but I'm laughing at you like an immature bastard.

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_To: Ludwig Beilschmidt  
>From: <em>_Łukasiewicz__, Feliks_

IDK about making it illegal (is that like even possible?) but i REALLY want to bedazzle it. Like, wouldnt it look even more amazing with some...like sequins and gems, and shiny red spandex. im totes pitching this idea to him! 3

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_To: Ludwig Beilschmidt  
>From: Lorinaitis, Toris<em>

Ignore Felik's texts, please. I think he's still got alcohol in his system from last night. I'd like to know what you did to make him start scrambling around, looking for materials with which to bedazzle Antonio Fernandez Carriedo's buttocks. I'm trying to distract him with My Little Pony, but it doesn't seem to be working. Please tell me that Lovino Vargas doesn't really have close connections to the mafia!

...  
><em><br>To: Ludwig Beilschmidt  
>From: Vargas, Feliciano<em>

would you like pasta for dinner tonight? i'll put wurst in it, just how you like it 3 lovi just showed me your funny text. its great to know that even ludwig makes mistakes sometimes. dont worry, though. people will forget soon when gil, francis and antonio does something stupid again ;)

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_To: Ludwig Beilschmidt  
>From: van Rijn, Lars<em>

Did you seriously send a mass text calling for the criminalisation of that stupid Spaniard's incredible ass, or am I just that high?

...

_To: Ludwig Beilschmidt  
>From: The Boss<br>_  
>Ludwig, I have just spoken to Gilbert about a certain mishap which occurred this morning. Needless to say, I strongly advise you to deactivate the autocorrection function on your phone. While we are on the topic, is this "Antonio" the representative of Spain whom I have met on various occasions? If so, your mistake was incredibly fitting. On another note, did you manage to finish writing up that report yet, or were you too busy having sex with the representative of North Italy? Please respond immediately.<p>

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_To: Ludwig Beilschmidt  
>From: Williams, Matthew<em>

Erm...wow? If you think Gil will let you live this down, you are mistaken.

And this is CANADA, by the way. CANADA- second biggest country in the world, home to polar bears, maple syrup, gay marriage and mooses.

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_To: Ludwig Beilschmidt  
>From: van Rijn, Bella<em>

From now on, everytime I see Antonio's giant axe, i'll laugh. Thanks for making my morning brighter.

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_To: Ludwig Beilschmidt  
>From: Johansen, Niklas<em>

Because of your message, Mathias now thinks I make a habit of staring at that Spanish guy's ass. Fuck you.

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_To: Ludwig Beilschmidt  
>From: Carriedo, Alvarez Fernandez<em>

Thanks for telling me that my brother still has that axe- even though he swore he'd sold it to a museum. I'll be confiscating it immediately as soon as I can get my hands on it.

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_To: Ludwig Beilschmidt  
>From: Vargas, Feliciano<br>_  
>luddy, im trying to wash our sheets, but its not working. i think pasta sauce, cum, lube and sausage grease was too much for the poor sheets! D; same time tonight? 3<p>

...


End file.
